41 Emotions/Experiences That An Alien Should Have So They Understand What It Means to Be Human

Obviously "Screaming Mr. Brightside tipsy at a wedding" is one of them...

Jul 15, 2023

Good morning new subscribers!! And hello old friends.

For those of you veteran Crying in Public Fans, yesterday the inimitable Lyz Lenz let me guest write a column for her wonderful newsletter Men Yell At Me. The column is called “Dingus of the Week,” and I look forward to it every Friday, so it was a real thrill to be invited to write for it! Lyz also paid me (!) for my work which makes her a better person than every single Hollywood CEO right now.

The community over there welcomed me with open arms and many of them smashed that Subscribe button and came here to hang out with us, too! Welcome welcome. We’re so glad you’re here. Tell all your friends :)

So, without further ado:

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I am on strike.

SAG is on strike.

I feel solidarity.

I feel angry.

I feel sad.

I think about it all the time and talk about it all the time. So I’m not going to do that here.

Instead:

I like thought exercises. Silly little questions and hypotheticals that you discuss with your friends on a hike or pose to people of varying acquaintance levels at a brunch around a round table (cause you can’t really pair off). Stuff like “If you were a fantasy character, which would you be?” or “If you had 5 million dollars to spend only on real estate, what place(s) would you buy property in?”

Here is one of my favorites, and a few of my answers to it:

If you were introduced to an alien who was only going to be on earth for ONE MONTH, which (generally positive) emotions/experiences would you tell them to have to understand what it means to be human?

Being hungry for breakfast and then eating good breakfast.
Screaming Mr. Brightside tipsy at a wedding.
me coming out of my cage and doing just fine
Helping a lost person who does not speak your native language.
Watching a whole show/movie marathon in one day without leaving the house.
Exchanging silent, meaningful eye contact with a stranger when someone else is misbehaving.
Jumping into a pool with clothes on.
Drinking a beer after a run.
Wearing a robe and drinking champagne in a hotel bed.
Watching a movie you’ve already seen before in a hotel bed while wearing a robe and drinking champagne.
Ordering a cheeseburger at a hotel (while you’re wearing a robe and drinking champagne) that arrives precisely during a commercial break of a movie you’ve already seen and staying in bed while another person gets the door.
me showing the aliens what life is about
Making something on a pottery wheel.
Perfecting your signature.
Doing Trivia night at a bar and fucking crushing it.
Doing Trivia night at a bar and being unbelievably bad.
Karaoke.
Kissing in the rain.
Making a three-pointer.
Finding 20 dollars in your pocket.
Hearing about something for the first time and then having it come up in your life again less than 24 hours later.
Twirling around in a spinny dress.
Hot chocolate right after coming in from windy cold.
Saying ‘you know what we should do…” and then doing whatever it is you just said. Immediately.
Doing a choreographed dance.
Sitting with your morning coffee, thinking of your schedule, and realizing that you…actually have nothing to do today.
That feeling when you’re out with people you really like having a good time and the server comes and ask if you want another drink and you definitely do but it’s late and you’re not sure if the people you’re with like you as much as you like them but then one of them says “yeah, let’s do another round” and you realize that not only is this wonderful night going to continue, but you’re not the only one who wants it to.
Giving a gift that makes someone cry.
Receiving a gift that makes you cry. (I don’t know if aliens can cry…but the alien equivalent)
When someone slightly overhears your conversation and says “wait, are you talking about [X]” and you ARE talking about X and they’re COOL and want to talk about it with you and so then you make a new friend!
Going to an old place with the same function as it had in the past (tavern, bookshop, theater, etc.) and doing the same things in the same place where people were doing them hundreds or thousands of years ago.
When you’re getting food or drinks with someone and you take a bite/sip and then to yourself are like “wow I like there’s better” but you don’t say anything and then they take a bite of yours and say out loud “oh wow I might like yours better” and then you switch!
Finding your friend at a scary party.
Writing a poem.
Wearing a huge sweatshirt and shorts and sitting cross-legged on a couch watching sports.
Figuring out what you know that actor from.
Crying about a book.
When someone brings you a surprise treat at the exact right time.
my little treat!
Taking a sip of water that’s so cold/needed that you feel it run all the way down to your chest.
Witnessing a true pro (singer/welder/dancer/surgeon/etc.) do their thing.
Dancing in the kitchen.
Seeing a picture of yourself that makes you think “Oh wow! That is me.”
Eating just the right amount of birthday cake.

Okay tell me yours!

Crying in Public

41 Emotions/Experiences That An Alien Should Have So They Understand What It Means to Be Human

Obviously "Screaming Mr. Brightside tipsy at a wedding" is one of them...

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