Saturday Itinerary of a Midwestern Youth Athlete
An excerpt from my book that I cannot believe someone let me publish.
A few weeks ago I was in Kansas City to accompany (read: drive) my sister and mother-in-law to the Taylor Swift concert. While I was there, I spoke with an incredible group of self-defined “middle-stage” women who call themselves The Hive. The evening was a freakin’ blast, not only because I got to hang out with cool ladies and have a comp’d glass of Pinot Grigio (the wine order that started it all), but because I got to read aloud, to uproarious and knowing laughter, the piece of my book that I still, to this day, feel like I conned someone into publishing.
Susan Messing, an incredible Chicago Improvisor and teacher, has a well-known mantra about specificity in comedy: “Medicine is good. Cold medicine is better. Robitussin wins every time.”
I had another improv teacher who guided my level 3 UCB class through multiple weeks with the phrase “it is easier to remember than invent.”
But even so, even with the words of these experts echoing in my head. Even though I know that crafting a bridge between the personal and the universal is a comedic and communication technique that I have literally dedicated my life to understanding and executing. Even though multiple editors (professional and friendly) read through this part and told me that it worked.
I still feel like I’ve gotten away with something.
Hearing the private room of the Nick and Jakes on 135th street erupt with laughter when all I was really doing was admitting to leaving my water bottle at home 15 years after the fact, felt like sharing an inside joke with one person in the middle of a solemn occasion: unbridled, almost forbidden glee. Inappropriate giddiness. Obstinate joy.
I played basketball year round from the time I was 6-years-old until I graduated high school. I still consider it the most devastating breakup of my life. To be laughing about Croissan’wiches and Blue Gatorade in Kansas 12 years later was a balm my soul didn’t know I needed. A strawberry on the knee of life that I... is this too much? This is too much.
I love this piece. I loved it when I wrote it. I loved being able to share it. I love the girl I was when I lived it. I love the women who let me be that girl again two weeks ago.
Saturday Itinerary of a Midwestern Youth Athlete
6:45AM - Wake up. Go back to sleep for five more minutes.
7:05AM - Wake up again to your parent’s voice yelling “It’s go time. We’re burning daylight!”
7:07AM - Start to get dressed.
7:10AM - Ask/yell if anyone knows where your shorts are.
7:11AM - Get told “you were supposed to put them in the dryer last night.”
7:12AM - Yell back that you DID put them in the dryer last night, someone must have moved them.
7:13AM - Find the shorts rolled up in the bottom of your gym bag.
7:14AM - Yell “found ‘em” with no follow up.
7:15AM - Go to the kitchen. Reject whatever breakfast is offered because you want a Croissan'wich from Burger King.
7:20AM - Get in the car without your waterbottle.
7:27AM - Listen to pump up music on your headphones while your parent orders your Croissan’wich.
7:29 AM - Completely finish Croissan’wich.
7:30AM-7:50AM - Drive to 1st game of the day.
7:50AM - Blow past tournament check in to warm up while the adults check their pockets for cash to pay the 2-5 dollar entrance fee.
7:50AM-8:00AM - Warm Up
8:00AM - During the pre-game team meeting, motion to the stands that you need a water bottle. Ignore the eye roll as your adult stalks off to pay 2.50 for an Aquafina at the concession stand.
8AM-9AM - Play Game 1
9:00-9:10 AM - Change your shoes.
9:15 AM- Leave your water bottle behind.
9:16AM-10:30AM Go to Panera and eat a bagel and a muffin.
10:45 AM - Go back to Tournament Check In. Ask for money to buy a Gatorade.
10:45-11:00AM Change your shoes.
11:00-12:00 PM - Play Game 2
12:00-12:20PM - Change your shoes.
12:30-1:30PM - Go to Chipotle. Eat a full burrito bowl, an order of chips + guac, and a large soda.
1:30 PM - Return to the Tournament. Ask for money to buy a water bottle because they’re out of cold Gatorade except Orange.
1:35 PM - 1:50PM Change your shoes.
2:00 PM - Play Game 3
3:00-3:30PM - Change your shoes.
3:30-3:35PM - Check the tournament bracket to see what time your next game is. Fight with your teammates about who your opponent will be.
3:40-5:40PM - Go to the nearest mall or Dave and Busters. Split mozzarella sticks with the team, eat a burger and fries, and down a milkshake. Spend 20 dollars playing the arcade version of your sport before giving up and just doing the racecar thing or DDR.
5:45PM- Return to the Tournament. They have cold Gatorade again. Get blue.
5:47-5:49PM - Change your shoes (you’re running late!)
5:50PM - Yell at your parents for saying they kind of hope you lose because then you wouldn’t have another game until tomorrow.
5:52PM - Tell your teammates you actually wouldn’t mind losing because then you wouldn’t have to play until tomorrow and you guys could like go bowling or something.
6PM - Win Game 4.
6:00-6:40PM - Change your shoes.
6:45-7:15PM - Go to Chipotle again. Eat a whole burrito.
7:25PM - Get back to the Tournament. Fill up one of your used water bottles at the drinking fountain because your parent(s) refuse to spend another cent at that concession stand today.
7:26-7:59PM - Change your shoes.
8PM - Play Game 5.
9:00 -9:05PM - Ask if your teammates can spend the night. Get immediately shot down.
9:05PM - Take off your shoes and walk to the car in your socks.
9:10PM - Drive thru McDonalds for a 10pc McNuggets.
9:15-9:40PM - Drive home while reassuring your parent(s) that you don’t really have that much homework and it’s not that big a deal so it’s fine if you have another tournament next weekend.
9:40PM - Promise you’ll put your uniform in the laundry.
9:42PM - Put your dirty uniform in your bag
9:45-9:55PM - Shower
10PM - Go to sleep (even though you’re a little hungry)
Love you all <3
TKP
If you loved this and haven’t bought A Guide to Midwestern Conversation, yet. There’s more where that came from!