The Lightbulb is Great, But...
A list of inventions that should have made their creators household names
For a brief time in elementary school, in addition to “an actor, a player in the WNBA, the first woman ever to play in the MLB, a poet, and a teacher” I wanted to grow up to be “an inventor.” I was inspired, of course, by the coolest inventor of them all, Violet Baudelaire from A Series of Unfortunate Events. Like one of my other favorite cultural Smart Girls™, Matilda, Violet’s aesthetic was heavily ribbon-based, and I tried in vain to copy her habit of tying her hair up in a ribbon when I needed to think. Unfortunately, hair ribbons are stupid, and my stick straight (very shiny and smooth) hair would slip out and collect loosely and irritatingly around my ears in a way that made me look like a colonial printer’s apprentice but worse.
Even now, my nervous tick is playing too much with my hair. What used to be the bane of my mother’s existence now tests the patience of my husband. As such, I have since abandoned my romantic ideas of inspiration-summoning silk stips in favor of Goody hair-ties that, when not holding my trademark POS sloppy bun in place, stay around my wrist constantly. Even at formal occasions. (This is the new bane of my mother’s existence.)
Okay, this was supposed to be a post about inventors but ended up being something else entirely. Looks like even in my writing I can’t stop messing with my hair.
Anyway, between Violet Baudelaire and Maurice from Beauty and the Beast, the idea of being an inventor held a lot of sway for young me. But as I got older, I realized that it involved probably a lot of science and patience and other things that I was not blessed with, in addition to “hair that can be attractively held in place with a ribbon.”
As I get even older, however, and marvel at our advances as a society, it occurs to me that we’re giving short shrift to a lot of inventors who have totally changed the game.
Here is a list of inventors I know:
Thomas Edison, Lightbulb
Eli Whitney, Cotton Gin
Henry Ford, Model-T Car/Modern Assembly Line
Gutenberg, Printing Press
Benjamin Franklin, Bifocals/Whatever else they said in National Treasure
George Washington Carver, Peanut Butter
Wright Brothers, Airplane
Alexander Graham Bell, Telephone
Thomas Jefferson, Stove? (right? Did he invent a stove? I’m not going to google it. Oh no, fuck. This was also Franklin, it’s called the Franklin Stove. Ignore this one.)
Joy from the movie Joy with Jennifer Lawrence, The Magic Mop
The Guy Robin Williams Plays In Flubber, Flubber
Here is a list of people who SHOULD be inventors I know because of their inventions/contributions to society
Whoever had the idea to make the little incision in food packaging so it’s easier to open.
The first person to fry an Oreo
Wheels on chairs dude (or lady!)
Whoever came up with that stuff you put in cut flowers that makes them stay fresh longer and was like “let’s put this in a little baggie (with that lil open slit!) and rubberband it to all the flowers!”
Rubber spatula. Who do I thank for the rubber spatula!?
Mason jars as light fixtures/decor. I know that’s not technically an invention, but it’s an innovation that deserves to make someone a household name in the household game.
Visors. Who was like “I want the sun out of my eyes but my scalp exposed?” I need to know more.
Those tables that are one size but then you like pull them apart and add one little piece and you can have a dinner party.
Acrylic nails.
Glow in the dark stars that stick to the ceiling.
Women’s jeans that have all buttons up the front instead of zippers (I just wanna talk…)
Thongs. I want to know…everything.
Keeping fish as pets.
Could I google the origins of these game-changing innovations? Of course I could. But that is not the point.
Okay, that’s all for today.
On Friday, I’m rolling out a new segment of the newsletter that I hope you will like! So stay tuned for that.
In the meantime:
Reading: Kingdom Quarterback by Rustin Dodd and Mark Dent. I love Patrick Mahomes and I love The Chiefs and I love Kansas City and this book reaffirmed that love while also helping me understand and deal with the complications of it. Kansas City’s historical relationship with race is dicey. At the same time, the black community within Kansas City has consistently and immutably shaped the city and the nation through art, journalism, scholarship, talent, athleticism, business acumen, you freakin’ name it. This book reckons with how our city has, in many ways, worked to overcome our legacy of civic and institutionalized racism and how we’re still coming up short. Also, Patrick Mahomes is a force of nature and it talks about that too. (Did you know he can run backwards at ninety percent of his forward pace!?!)
Listening: My boss, my boss-in-law, and my uncle bosses (John Oliver, Stephen Colbert, The Jimmys and Seth Meyers) have started a podcast in order to help pay the late night staff and crew affected by the ongoing writers’ strike. I think that is really cool. And I’m really grateful to (under normal circumstances) work in a community that cares for one another in this way. The first episode comes out today, and I am excited to listen in my free time between not working and whining about not working.
Eating: HelloFresh. It’s actually quite affordable!? This is not sponcon, I am nowhere near famous enough for that. But if you want a box for free (I think!) and also to give me a discount, here is the link.
Thinking About: This recent newsletter by Anne Helen Peterson (yes this also counts as reading, but I am also thinking!!) about how our access to infinite entertainment options has deprived us of the joy of wandering and discovering.
Okay love you all <3
TKP
Inventors are my favorite stARTists, and I agree with all the callouts except for the stars on the ceiling person...fixing ceilings is harder than you think. Also, while I'm here...yes, seeing a brown hair elastic around my daughter's wrist in her prom, graduation and other special memory photos is the bane of my existence. Another one is when really smart people don't use hyphens in compound adjectives, but a lot of people don't do that.